One of my biggest issues in my spiritual walk and life in general is my inconsistency. The bible speaks of perseverance and having faith and to keep running the race and fighting the good fight of faith. Paul speaks about these themes in his letters to various churches. If only I could be consistent! One thing is for sure; I have learned A LOT about myself since coming to college. As soon as things get a little rough I like to escape. I don't deal with conflict too well; I like to dissolve it as soon as possible. If it is a coworker I will try to resolve it ASAP. I don't like having bad feelings between myself and another person I am not extremely close to. However if it is one of my parents I try to end the conversation as soon as possible and I'll go up to my room and either cry or escape reality. One thing I found I like to do when I just experienced something that is distressing is watch a movie. This does not solve the problem. This is just as bad as someone who turns to alcohol or drugs to escape reality. I need to learn to deal with things instead of running away from them. I need to learn that, even in the midst of opposition or difficulty, I need to stand. Instead of stupidly running to a movie that will not solve my problems, I need to pray or read the bible. My help comes from God and wisdom comes from the word of God.
I tend to do the same thing in my spiritual walk. If I happen to sin I tend to stay down for a while before I get enough signs from God that I need to get back on my feet. What I need to realize and act upon is that I cannot allow obstacles or even failures in life to impede me from finishing the race. Yes, it is hard. Yes I want to give up from time to time. Yes I want to just die now and go to heaven and be with Jesus. But I am on this earth for a reason and trials only come to make me strong. in Acts 14:22 it says "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." There is such determination within that sentence! We must. It is an imperative that we endure trials. It is a common theme throughout the New Testament that we must keep going even if we have opposition, trials, or even persecutions. One thing I have learned through all this is that even if I mess up I must turn away from my sin, toward God, and keep walking toward Him.
So I got back from playing volleyball with my friends less than an hour ago. I stopped playing far before we actually left. As usual I was really bad out there. I'm not very athletic and I'm kinda sensitive about it. So people would laugh and kid and I'd laugh along with them but on the inside it hurt a little bit. After a while when it was my turn to rotate out, I just stayed out, lol. And when me and my friend were ready to head back to the building even though everyone else wanted to keep playing we left. She went to her room and I went to mine. I took a shower and while I was in there I was talking out loud to God saying how stupid and slow I felt. It's not just the volleyball thing or being atheletic but me in general. So I just was having a bit of a pity party. I just was tired of feeling slow all the time and not good at anything minus a few things. I checked my phone out of habit after I dried off and put on some lotion and brushed my teeth. Another friend who was out there texted me saying she knew that I was feeling a little down and told me to read Psalm 139: 14-18. It was right on point. I cried and I had to repent because I was tearing myself down. In the 14th verse it says I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works. For that alone I should feel repentant. When I talk down about myself I am making the Bible out of a lie. And the Bible is the Word of God. And I definitely do not want to call God a liar. Everything God made was made with a purpose and as a human I am made in His image. Then the 17th and 18th verses hit me too: How precious also are your thoughts to me, o God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake I am still with you. To think that God thinks good thoughts about me. And that He thinks about me a lot at that. To think that I, as a single unit, am thought about that much by God is amazing. God definitely sees that which I don't and can see the bigger picture so I'm going to trust what He sees and what He says.
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”- Psalm 73:25-26
Just prior to reading this I was feeling super stressed out and feeling like a failure for all the times I've fallen short. That's where the "my flesh and heart may fail" comes in but thank God that He will strengthen me and be with me. I'm at a time right now full of uncertainty. It's kind of exciting to see what God has in store but at the same time I know I am undeserving and anything that may happen could and very well be a negative result of my consequences. Then if that happens my parents are going to be upset and want to "talk." Personally I feel like I am a little too old for "talks" though I know I sometimes need that wisdom from them. I know I'm still dependent on them, naive and still lacking in the knowledge and sometimes common sense department. But that's a part of growing up. I want to show them that I am mature. Anyway I'm just going off on a tangent. I'm just going to trust that God's will is what's best for me.
Amidst my anguish and tears, sadness and loneliness the Lord directed me to www.verseoftheday.com and the verse today was Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
All too often we find ourselves looking for other people or things to be our comfort or anything else that only the Lord alone can be. I'm guilty and Lord I repent. I know I try to seek other things when I know at the end of the day the Lord is the only dependable, unconditionally loving Being that can make things better and can always be there for me.
Lord You are always there but yet I always run to someone tangible for comfort and happiness when I know that what they provide is only temporary. Lord I'm a mess without You...truly. But Lord I invite You into my life afresh and anew to be my EVERYTHING. I know You are breaking me to reshape me into the faithful daughter that You've called me to be. I'm no longer mine but Yours. Be with me God. Reside with me. Thank You God.
I urge everyone that has been struggling or suffering because they are not calling on the name of the Lord to repent, turn to the Lord and receive what He has for you.
I'm almost ready to just give up. My faith is decreasing unbelief and doubt is running rampant. Everything seems to be going wrong. What am I doing wrong? I'm on a fast trying to honor God and nothing seems to be happening. Before, when I was on a fast I always experienced God in a new way, I knew that God was speaking to me through different things. Now I just struggle. I just want to know and to experience God in a new way. The way things are going right now are just not working out for me. And school is just a whole other story. I feel like I'm doing horribly in half my classes. I don't want to fail but part of me doesn't care if I just barely pass. I feel like I'm doing a horrible job at being an RA because my residents aren't even writing on my dry-erase board anymore and no one has signed their name on the "let's do dinner" paper. Not one. And I have a bulletin board up that basically gives everyone a chance to write what they are thankful for and only one has written on there. It's just a mess. Where am I going wrong?! Maybe I need to heed to the advice in Isaiah 58 that talks about the right type of fasting. It says we should be clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, etc. I have begun a folded pile of clothes in my room waiting to go to the Joseph house or wherever they need it. Life kinda sucks now but I can't completely complain. God has maintained my health in spite of sickness all around me thank God. I can continue to expect because it's not over yet. I don't know where this hope is coming from because I feel hopeless right now... but as I was told i need to continue to expect!!! God is not through with me yet. Thank You Lord for this sudden wind of hope. God is going to work things out for my good and His glory!!!! I must keep pressing and continue to be expectant.