hazeL_eyed_mami08's Xanga

So done....ok maybe not.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:45:49 GMT

I'm almost ready to just give up. My faith is decreasing unbelief and doubt is running rampant. Everything seems to be going wrong. What am I doing wrong? I'm on a fast trying to honor God and nothing seems to be happening. Before, when I was on a fast I always experienced God in a new way, I knew that God was speaking to me through different things. Now I just struggle. I just want to know and to experience God in a new way. The way things are going right now are just not working out for me. And school is just a whole other story. I feel like I'm doing horribly in half my classes. I don't want to fail but part of me doesn't care if I just barely pass. I feel like I'm doing a horrible job at being an RA because my residents aren't even writing on my dry-erase board anymore and no one has signed their name on the "let's do dinner" paper. Not one. And I have a bulletin board up that basically gives everyone a chance to write what they are thankful for and only one has written on there. It's just a mess. Where am I going wrong?! Maybe I need to heed to the advice in Isaiah 58 that talks about the right type of fasting. It says we should be clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, etc. I have begun a folded pile of clothes in my room waiting to go to the Joseph house or wherever they need it. Life kinda sucks now but I can't completely complain. God has maintained my health in spite of sickness all around me thank God. I can continue to expect because it's not over yet. I don't know where this hope is coming from because I feel hopeless right now... but as I was told i need to continue to expect!!! God is not through with me yet. Thank You Lord for this sudden wind of hope. God is going to work things out for my good and His glory!!!! I must keep pressing and continue to be expectant.

weird dream last night

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:19:22 GMT

As of late I haven't had any memorable dreams. I did, however, have one last night. I dreamt that I was in the house I live in now except there were 2 motes that ran parallel to my house, one in the front and one in the back. They were about 45 ft (ish). On the other side of the motes were terrorists of Middle Eastern descent. (Please do not be offended if you are of Middle Eastern descent, this isn't to degrade but for description purposes.) The motes were filled with water. And in the motes, in rows perpindicular to the house were these explosive pods. They were similar to the ones that self-destructed in the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. Well the terrorists on the other side would set one on fire and each one after that blew up consecutively. The terrorists did this in rows. I was inside the house and I would run away so I wouldn't get blown up. Well they kept trying to blow up the house but I realized that they never did. They were in the front and the back doing this. There weren't many terrorists just several. Weird dream huh? The funny thing is this is probably a more normal/realistic one (out of the ones I've had).

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:18:27 GMT

God you are awesome. During this time of weaning, Lord Jesus I pray you help me to resist temptation like you did. I want to be more like you. If I have to constantly deny myself and die to myself daily I will do it. It's hard but I believe, in faith, that You will help me. I can't do it alone. I trust that You are going to do it; I give all my concerns, problems and worries to You. They are in Your hands. I'm gonna rest in knowing that You'll do what You do best. Thank You Lord for that. In Jesus name I pray Amen

What to do, what to do

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:35:32 GMT

Here's my situation:

I've been applying to jobs all over the place. None of them worked out. As a last resort I applied to McDonald's. I can basically start whenever but the question is whether or not God wants me to work. I already have one job and I've calculated that the job will cover my car payments. But I need to have money for gas, unexpected expenses, Christmas and birthday presents etc. I didn't like the position I was in last year. It was God that I had enough to get by but I guess it's because I wasn't comfortable that I didn't like it. I see different needs in the world and I would like to give to them but my finances prevent me from doing so. I have to pay my car payment from month to month and the money I made during the school year was barely getting me by. I would like to be able to go out to eat from time to time. (And by time to time I mean only once or twice a semester.) I'd like to be able to go shopping for a few items. I haven't even been able to shop for myself. I sound like such a self-centered snob.

So basically this situation may be more like a faith issue. Do I have the faith that God will supply my needs for this upcoming school year? But at the same time it could be a wisdom issue. In Proverbs 6:6-8 it says:
"Go to the ant you sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer or ruler. She Provides her meat in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest."

So according to that I should be working in the summer, which I am but in order to provide my needs for the fall I should be working another job. The Word, especially proverbs talks about laziness. I work during the day which isn't that strenuous of a job. I answer maybe 10 calls during the course of a 5.5 hour period. After that I go home and chill. I may take a nap and clean my room but other than that I'm not being that productive.

I just don't know!!!

The culmination of all problems.

Thu, 07 May 2009 21:15:44 GMT

No, I am not being pessimistic or negative. I am a positive person. But I realize that the consequences of my sin and procrastination is coming full circle.

Does God have a fragrance?

Sat, 02 May 2009 02:50:32 GMT

At Friday Night Fire, which is a worship service for college age adults, I smelled a scent. It was a sweet, soft fragrance. It smelled really good. I would smell wisps of it here and there. I tried to figure out what it was. My friend smelled it too. Then I got home and I can still smell it. Not constantly but every once in a while. I don't know how to explain it. It isn't me...believe me I smelled it. I'm wondering what this scent. I smelled a scent similar to this...it was when we had this cloths for healing at my church with a scripture on healing on it. They had a certain oil on it. That's what it smelled like. Since it wasn't constant I don't know it was God....I don't know....

Domino effect.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:56:26 GMT

I'm realizing the weight of my sin now. Because I didn't cut off a certain friendship when I should have I am suffering the repercussions. These are somethings that I truly believe are the result of delayed (or dis)obedience:

-not really belonging anywhere. I hung around this person all the time, where I was, that person was and vice versa. Now when I want to eat on campus, like today, because I'm not really tight with anyone else it would be like using someone to ask to eat with them at this point. (I asked one of my friends who is also an RA and she was my mentor when they were eating and they aren't until late which conflicts with my schedule.)

-I feel insecure and I feel like I display a lot of the emotions and personality that this one particular person had. I often have pity parties and just feel alone

-the shame of sin

-lack of focus/bad grades

It's amazing how we one thing can have an effect on so many other things. Because of my sin and disobedience I'm having to suffer. I would advise anyone, if you are doing what you know you aren't doing or vise versa, you better fix it. If not, you will be suffering the consequences like I did. You don't want to be in the position I am. Sometimes I can't believe I am the one saying this; I am the one going through this and giving this advice, rather than being on the receiving end. Sin is so not worth it. It has a catostrophic effect on everything. Don't wait until you don't want to do it anymore; just stop now. Ask the Lord to help you, HE will. Deny yourself. It's hard but it will be worth it. Seek the Lord's wisdom and will in all things. It's the best plan for your life.

Silence IS golden.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 03:45:24 GMT

I'm learning that more often than not, it is better (for me at least) to keep my mouth shut. Usually when I speak up, I end up wishing I hadn't, feeling my words have hurt or offended someone or made my self look stupid. From now on, I'd rather hear that I'm too quiet than to try to be something that isn't me and make a fool of myself. Maybe God called me to be a little more on the quiet, reserved side. Some people have come out of their shyness and I have to an extent but not all the way. Maybe this is just me, how I'm meant to be. I pray I never appear snooty by not talking much but I don't want to say some thing wrong either. I'm going to learn to smile more often and listen more often, really and truly listen. I usually regret the things I did say rather than the things I didn't say. So I'll just keep it hushed. :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:05:56 GMT

Once again, here I am in this horrendous predicament I always find myself in right before a major exam, project etc., thanks to that wonderful thing we all know as procrastination. It wasn't just procrastination but really bad decision making. I mean it was nice yesterday and I wanted to take advantage of it so I went to the beach. I spent most of the early part of my day preparing for leaving to go to the beach which is 30 minutes away. I met my friend there to whom I'm really not even that close and I didn't have that great of a time to be honest. All in all it was a big waste of time and money. No matter how nice it was I should have been inside working on homework and the like. I deserve to be punished; I'm struggling in my Spanish class now. Not because I don't know the language. I know it pretty well, glory to God. But it's a history class basically but taught in Spanish. The main problem was that I didn't manage my time that well. I could have done better had I actually read the material!!! If I had put an hour everyday into studying it I would be doing way better. Now we are down to our final 3 weeks of classes and I am struggling to get it together. I have a Power Point Presentation to present on Tuesday. I was supposed to have submitted it 48 hours prior to presenting which means I should have submitted it via email to the professor between 12:30 and 1:45 (the time of my class). But did I? Of course not. I'm still working on it and its no where near done and I really don't know the information like that. Additionally, she doesn't really want us straight reading off our note or the Power Point and the class and her are going to ask questiosn and I don't want to look like an idiot. Thanks to my wonderful habit of procrastinating and not studying I'm stuck in rut and it is truly a mess! I don't know how this is going to happen. I call on Jesus but at the same time I know I need to do what I know to do too! Lord have mercy! I feel that is one of my most overused phrases. But I'm kinda freaking out right now. And what is worse is that I have so much trouble staying focused. I'm constantly getting distracted or just thinking about other things. I HATE procrastinating but I've been doing it for so long. It stresses me out and I am just so tired of it! Why do I always do this to myself?! When will I learn?

With your heart.

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 14:54:51 GMT

“That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.”- Romans 10:9-10

If you look about it says "For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." It's not just words spoken but you have to believe what you are saying in your heart! You can confess with your mouth all you want but if your heart isn't right...it doesn't matter! That's interesting to me.