Weblog
Friday, 06 November 2009
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So done....ok maybe not.
I'm almost ready to just give up. My faith is decreasing unbelief and doubt is running rampant. Everything seems to be going wrong. What am I doing wrong? I'm on a fast trying to honor God and nothing seems to be happening. Before, when I was on a fast I always experienced God in a new way, I knew that God was speaking to me through different things. Now I just struggle. I just want to know and to experience God in a new way. The way things are going right now are just not working out for me. And school is just a whole other story. I feel like I'm doing horribly in half my classes. I don't want to fail but part of me doesn't care if I just barely pass. I feel like I'm doing a horrible job at being an RA because my residents aren't even writing on my dry-erase board anymore and no one has signed their name on the "let's do dinner" paper. Not one. And I have a bulletin board up that basically gives everyone a chance to write what they are thankful for and only one has written on there. It's just a mess. Where am I going wrong?! Maybe I need to heed to the advice in Isaiah 58 that talks about the right type of fasting. It says we should be clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, etc. I have begun a folded pile of clothes in my room waiting to go to the Joseph house or wherever they need it. Life kinda sucks now but I can't completely complain. God has maintained my health in spite of sickness all around me thank God. I can continue to expect because it's not over yet. I don't know where this hope is coming from because I feel hopeless right now... but as I was told i need to continue to expect!!! God is not through with me yet. Thank You Lord for this sudden wind of hope. God is going to work things out for my good and His glory!!!! I must keep pressing and continue to be expectant.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
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weird dream last night
As of late I haven't had any memorable dreams. I did, however, have one last night. I dreamt that I was in the house I live in now except there were 2 motes that ran parallel to my house, one in the front and one in the back. They were about 45 ft (ish). On the other side of the motes were terrorists of Middle Eastern descent. (Please do not be offended if you are of Middle Eastern descent, this isn't to degrade but for description purposes.) The motes were filled with water. And in the motes, in rows perpindicular to the house were these explosive pods. They were similar to the ones that self-destructed in the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. Well the terrorists on the other side would set one on fire and each one after that blew up consecutively. The terrorists did this in rows. I was inside the house and I would run away so I wouldn't get blown up. Well they kept trying to blow up the house but I realized that they never did. They were in the front and the back doing this. There weren't many terrorists just several. Weird dream huh? The funny thing is this is probably a more normal/realistic one (out of the ones I've had).
Sunday, 19 July 2009
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God you are awesome. During this time of weaning, Lord Jesus I pray you help me to resist temptation like you did. I want to be more like you. If I have to constantly deny myself and die to myself daily I will do it. It's hard but I believe, in faith, that You will help me. I can't do it alone. I trust that You are going to do it; I give all my concerns, problems and worries to You. They are in Your hands. I'm gonna rest in knowing that You'll do what You do best. Thank You Lord for that. In Jesus name I pray Amen
Monday, 22 June 2009
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What to do, what to do
Here's my situation:
I've been applying to jobs all over the place. None of them worked out. As a last resort I applied to McDonald's. I can basically start whenever but the question is whether or not God wants me to work. I already have one job and I've calculated that the job will cover my car payments. But I need to have money for gas, unexpected expenses, Christmas and birthday presents etc. I didn't like the position I was in last year. It was God that I had enough to get by but I guess it's because I wasn't comfortable that I didn't like it. I see different needs in the world and I would like to give to them but my finances prevent me from doing so. I have to pay my car payment from month to month and the money I made during the school year was barely getting me by. I would like to be able to go out to eat from time to time. (And by time to time I mean only once or twice a semester.) I'd like to be able to go shopping for a few items. I haven't even been able to shop for myself. I sound like such a self-centered snob.
So basically this situation may be more like a faith issue. Do I have the faith that God will supply my needs for this upcoming school year? But at the same time it could be a wisdom issue. In Proverbs 6:6-8 it says:
"Go to the ant you sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer or ruler. She Provides her meat in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest."
So according to that I should be working in the summer, which I am but in order to provide my needs for the fall I should be working another job. The Word, especially proverbs talks about laziness. I work during the day which isn't that strenuous of a job. I answer maybe 10 calls during the course of a 5.5 hour period. After that I go home and chill. I may take a nap and clean my room but other than that I'm not being that productive.
I just don't know!!!
Thursday, 07 May 2009
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The culmination of all problems.
No, I am not being pessimistic or negative. I am a positive person. But I realize that the consequences of my sin and procrastination is coming full circle.
